I want to give up.

That’s what I was thinking all day yesterday. Seriously. I even went so far as to go out to mexican food with a friend, drink a glass of wine, eat the equivalent of five cookies in cookie dough, and eat the left over quesadilla and rice from my friend’s 4-year-old’s plate in my car so no one would notice. My god.

Yesterday was the breaking point for me. Life’s been stressful for the last couple weeks. Yesterday was the Super Bowl. I haven’t watched it since my dad died, because we watched it together and I miss him too much to try to watch by myself. Yesterday was also the day before my first day at a new job. Guess what. None of my clothes fit. I have two pairs of pants that sorta fit, if I wear Spanx under them and suck in my enormous gut. I went to Target, Fred Meyer, and even the dreaded WalMart and found nothing. So I wore the half-fitting pants today with a new sweater I bought.

I really wanted to give up. So I ate my way through the day. I tried really hard not to care. I didn’t even count my points. I wasn’t even going to blog about it. I was just going to weigh myself next Sunday. If I gained, I would somehow explain it away.

Then I realized that the only person I was cheating was myself. I reminded myself that the only way I would lose this weight is to do it. I also reminded myself that I miss my dad so much because he’s dead, in part because he ate too much and didn’t take care of himself. Just. like. me.

I threw out the last 1/4 cup of rice while sitting in the WalMart parking lot. I didn’t eat anything for the rest of the night. I resigned myself to going home to bed. So I did. I ate two eggs and a piece of dry toast for breakfast. I didn’t plan food for my first day of work, so by lunch time at 1:30, I was starving. I went home (I only live five minutes from my job), and ate leftover chicken stir fry and rice. After work I had a tangelo. I went to Ross to find pants (we don’t have a lot of store options in town, especially for fat people), but found more shirts instead. I had a coffee from Starbucks while I was shopping. I made beef barley soup for dinner- 3 points per one cup serving. And it’s good.

So I guess I’m back on some sort of track. My knee is still messed up. It really burns me that I can’t work out. Honestly, I’m scared to do water aerobics. I bet I’ll be the fattest one there. I’m going to force myself to go, though, starting next Monday. I have two choices: do it or don’t. I’m going to do it. I’m still doing it. But it’s only week four, and I already feel like this. I’m trying to figure out how to help it from happening again.

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2 Responses to “I want to give up.”

  1. robfitness Says:

    You know if you give up I’ll have to hunt you down to help you get back on track. You can do this my friend. It’s never easy and sometimes it does seem to be getting harder. believe me I understand what your going through. WE all experience the same type of struggles you do and I know you have the determination to make it through this. You have a loving supportive person in your life that will help as well.
    Keep on tresting the knee ad as far as the pool goes, who cares what others think. Remember you are doing this for you and what people will probably say is look at her go. She has some shear determination to get out and exercise. People can be mean yet there are others out there that are so proud of you for the steps you are taking to live a long and healthy life.
    Just stay focused and know that i am here if you need to vent more or want to talk or ask questions. My e-mail address is cage62rob@ cox.net

    Take Care and Be strong. Like I said I have faith and believe in you!

  2. robfitness Says:

    Now I am so close to tracking you down and seeing what’s up with you. Especially since you haven’t posted recently. I do hope that all is OK and don’t forget we are here to help and support you, just as you have done for me. So stay focused and positive and it will be OK.

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