This is me, trying to deal.

Wanna be in my head? Here’s your chance.

I want to eat everything in sight. Shopping tonight was a bad idea. PDub needed more soft foods for his healing mouth, and we were out of everything. I only came home with the things on my list, but I put a bag of pretzel crisps in my cart, then took them out again. Did I really want them? No. I wanted to grab everything I saw.

Now I’m home. I want a yogurt because I’m STARVING. I’m going to have a chicken sandwich for dinner. On a kaiser roll. With cheese. And bacon. And avocado. I’m doing it, even though it means I will dip in to my weekly points by 2.5 points. That’s what they’re there for, dammit!!

I can’t even really exercise the way I was. My knee is still effed up. I don’t know why. If it keeps up, I’ll be making a trip to the doctor to make sure it’s ok. I hate being fat. If I wasn’t fat, and if I was in shape already, I bet my knee wouldn’t hurt.

This is me, trying to eat my way through my life. I don’t want to deal with my father’s death, even though it’s been four years and I’m in a much better place than when I started. I don’t want to even think about my grandpa in the hospital and the fact that this surgery means he has 3 months to a year of time left with us. I hate it all. And all I want to do is crawl in my bed and cry for days. DAYS. But I can’t. Because if I do, I’m letting myself down. I’m working really hard to change my life for the better and I can’t let this pain and anger and sadness win. I won’t.

So here’s my plan.

I’m going to eat my chicken sandwich for dinner. I want it, it’s not terribly bad for me (other than the white roll and the bacon and cheese), and it’s ok to use some of my weekly points. If I deny myself, it could definitely end in disaster. I’m going to load up on the veggies tonight to make sure I’m getting in good healthy food along with my not-so-good food.

I’m going to call my psychologist on Monday and make an appointment, even though I hate going. I know it will help and it’s pretty obvious that what I am doing on my own is not working.

I’m going to use on of the recumbant bicycles at the gym tomorrow to work out and see if that’s better on my knee. I don’t want to skip another day, so I’m going to try.

I’m going to apologize to my wonderful husband for being mean to him these past few days. Ok, past week. Ok, past couple weeks. It’s not his fault, and he’s just trying to help.

I’m going to think about all the food that’s in my house, and make a plan TONIGHT for what I’m going to eat tomorrow so I won’t be so damn hungry in the evening.

I’m going to breathe, because I know that no matter what happens, it’s going to be ok. Yes, it is. Why? Because I said so. Julie is right. I am in control of me. So I say it’s going to be ok.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for all your support and inspiration and kind words. You’re all truly wonderful.

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