Insecurity.

I haven’t told my husband how much I weigh. I tell him about my progress- both weight loss and exercise- but I don’t tell him how much I weigh. Let me start by saying that PDub is the best husband and friend I could have ever asked for. Our meeting was really very coincedental, and the timing was perfect.

When my dad got really sick in 2004, I moved home to help my mom take care of him. I hadn’t lived at home since I left for college in 2001, and it was tough. My father was my best friend in the whole world. The woman that gave birth to me moved to Iowa when my parents divorced when I was just two. I didn’t even meet her until I was 10. Being the only girl, my dad protected me from the world, and I really liked it. So coming home to take care of him seemed surreal to me. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to always take care of me.

I went to the store one day about a month before my dad died and there was PDub. We starting hanging out on the weekends, going fishing and camping, just having a really good time. He was so fun! My dad died on February 5, 2005. It’s been almost four years. My friendship with PDub turned in to a relationship. We’ve been together ever since. It was the best time in my life for him to join it, with my dad being gone and not knowing what to do with myself.

PDub has always been my biggest fan and supporter these four years. We’ve had our arguments, like any other couple, but we definitely want to be together and work hard at it. We got married on May 20, 2008, even though neither of us ever thought we would marry anyone. I had resolved myself to being the best friend of a hot guy, the fat girl that no one wants. But then there was PDub.

I’ve been fat throughout our whole relationship. When I started this journey, it’s the most I’ve ever weighed in my whole life. I feel bad for him because he has a fat wife. I feel bad for me because people see us together and I imagine them saying, “look at that poor fat girl. What’s he doing with her?” Even though I’ve always been fat, I’ve become more insecure with the way I look. I feel like I’m huge. No matter what PDub eats, he never gets any bigger.

My insecurities have affected our relationship, especially intimacy. We’ve been having this struggle with sex for the last two years or so, and just recently he told me that he’s not attracted to me physically. I don’t blame him. I’m not attracted to me physically. I used to not care what people thought, and was just happy being myself. But the more I’ve thought about my weight, my size, and my health, the unhappier I’ve become. The last time we had sex (yes, overshare, but I’m doing it anyway), I felt absolutely disgusting. The whole time I was thinking, damn, no wonder he doesn’t want to do this. I don’t even want to do this!

Ever since I was a pre-teen, it’s been a challenge for me to look at myself in the mirror. No joke, every time I look at myself in the mirror naked, I start gagging. Seriously. So no wonder it’s rubbing off on my partner.

What’s the point of this? I don’t know. It’s why I’m feeling down today, and I really wanted to talk about it. I’ve thought about tell PDub how much I weigh, but I’m scared. Why? I’m scared that if I tell him, he will give up hope that I will ever be smaller or healthier and just leave. Irrational? Probably. Still my fear? Yes. I’ve failed so many times at losing weight that it would make sense if he thought it. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll tell him.

I’ve started telling a few of my friends about my marathon plans and losing weight. But again, I’m embarrassed and insecure. I feel like being this big means I never cared about myself. Really, that’s what it means. But now I do. I just want them to see that I do and I mean it.

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One Response to “Insecurity.”

  1. Teresa Says:

    Sweetie, if he loves you he will support you. That being said I’ve been married 12 years now and if you would rather keep that to yourself, that’s okay too. Just make sure you are doing this for YOU and nobody else. While I think it is wonderful to want to look good for your hubby, if you don’t make sure you are focused on doing this for yourself you can get upset, angry, and resentful. You got a whole lot of support from me. You just take it one pound at a time and you will get there.

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