My Motivation

As I was walking around the lake today, breathing hard with hurting legs, I asked myself why I keep at it. Why is this time any different? In the past, I’ve given up. I’ve given in to my ridiculous food desires, gorged myself every day, and quit moving. I try to tell myself that I have no other choice. There are always choices. I can always choose to just stop, to eat more, to exercise less. I can choose to stay in bed all day watching movies instead of going out to look for a job. But I don’t.

Making the choice, this time, was not and is not simple. But I’m making it. I’m losing weight, eating healthier, exercising more, because I don’t want to be fat and unhealthy any longer. I hate myself when I’m fat. I hate myself when I look in the mirror, not because I’m not the skinny girl next door, but because my size is a physical manifestation of what I’m doing to my body. I’m killing myself. Slowly but surely, I’m eating myself to death. It has to stop.

I think of my father, especially in moments like these. He left me for a better place at barely 49. Even as a child, I knew he’d never make it to 50. He is the third generation in my family to develop congestive heart failure and diabetes. He’s the third generation in my family to die too young. I look at photos of him as a child. I see his chubby cheeks and his round belly. He lost weight as a young adult, but gained most of it back later on, working long hours to feed his growing children.

It’s funny to see people write about their never-ending, ever-changing diets as children. Even though I was definitely overweight, I never thought of dieting. I can only remember one time, when I was 17 and had my wisdom teeth removed, that my parents said anything to me about losing weight. I was so stuck on feeling sorry for myself and wishing I wasn’t fat anymore, that I didn’t have time to even consider dieting.

I always say I like my doctor, because she doesn’t lecture me about my weight, but sometimes I wish she had. I want to blame someone, anyone, for this “happening to me.” But I can’t. Because they didn’t do it. My parents may not have taught me what a normal size portion looked like, or that it’s not good for a child to have seconds and thirds and fourths. My doctor may not have said anything, year after year, physical after physcial, even though she knew I could get sick like my dad. I did this. I did it, but I can undo it, too.

So now here we are, 25 and almost 150 pounds overweight. Walking around that lake gave me time to really think about why I’m doing this. I want to love myself. I want to learn to take care of myself to live a longer life and do the things I want to do without being afraid or embarrassed or too big. I used to want to lose all this weight over night. I would wake up in the morning and complain that I have so much work to do and it’s going to take so long. I don’t allow myself to think like that anymore. When I want to give up, when I think that a whole pizza sounds really good and why not, I remember that I’m never going to be healthier or smaller if I give up. So I don’t.

I walked the whole lake today, even though my legs hurt. I kept walking, one foot in front of the other, because I knew that every step I took was a victory. This is my body, and these are my choices to make. If I don’t make the right ones, they’re just not made. I’m doing this for myself because I want to. I want to be healthier. I want to be smaller. I’m moving in the right direction

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2 Responses to “My Motivation”

  1. robfitness Says:

    What a wonderful post and so full of heart and determination.
    You are doing a great job. It’s never easy but in time it will get easier and become second nature to you. It takes time to change a lifetime of old habits, but believe me it can be done. Just still with it and know that you have a lot of people on here that are cheering you on and support all that you’re doing.
    Take care, continue the great progress, and I know you won’t give up!
    Have a wonderful and healthy Day!
    Rob
    http://www.robfitness.wordpress.com

  2. afatgirl Says:

    This entry had me in tears. It had me seeing so much of myself that it’s unbelievable. I am also 25, and it appears about the same size. And, what brought me to tears was hearing about your dad. It’s a story VERY similar to my own. (I blogged slightly about it tonight http://afatgirl.wordpress.com )

    I look forward to following your journey!

    (And you’ve inspired me to walk tonight, for my thoughts and for my sanity! I’ve been avoiding it; but could use a good think!)

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